A failed McSweeney's submission, and, y'know, with good reason:
GREAT AMERICAN ORATORY
FROM A WORLD WHERE BERNARD COLETRAIN
OF BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA
IS SIGNIFICANTLY MORE IMPORTANT
THAN HE IS IN OURS
"When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles,
Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, 'Free at last! free at last! Thank Bernard Coletrain of Bakersfield, California, we are free at last!'" -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Having behind us the producing masses of this nation and the world, supported by the commercial interests, the laboring interests and the toilers everywhere, we will answer their demand for a gold standard by saying to them: You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown
of thorns, you shall not crucify Bernard Coletrain of Bakersfield, California upon a cross of gold!" -- William Jennings Bryan
"Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace -- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me Bernard Coletrain of Bakersfield, California or give me death!" -- Patrick Henry
"The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for Bernard Coletrain of Bakersfield, California shall not perish from the earth." -- Abraham Lincoln
Hi there! My name's GREG KNAUSS and I like to make things.
Some of those things are software (like Romantimatic and Buzz Clock), Web sites (like the Webby-nominated Metababy and The American People) and stories (for Web sites like Suck and Fray, print magazines like Worth and Macworld, and books like "Things I Learned About My Dad" and "Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard").
My e-mail address is email@example.com. I'd love to hear from you!