That we live in the Age of Communication is a damnedable, filthy lie. The technology is all there -- rah -- but none of it says anything. No data is transmitted. I might as well be asking questions of my dog.

I just spent half an hour trying to get a simple answer: how much does it cost to convert my Airtouch-capable Samsung phone to Sprint PCS? Sprint's Web site doesn't have the information and demands my blood type for the privilege of asking via e-mail. Neither does the site include Sprint's 800 number. 1 (800) SPRINT-PCS doesn't work. 1 (888) SPRINT-PCS doesn't work. The toll-free directory is jammed, telling me to try again half a dozen times. Once connected, Sprint's national number gives me a local number, which in turn says that no one is available right now and I'll be sent to voice mail. Voice mail tells me that it's full and hangs up on me.

Aaaaagh! Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.