When I'm in charge -- and don't think it won't happen -- restaurants will be required to put a little symbol next to each messy sandwich on their menus.

"Warning!" the symbol will say. "This shrimp poor boy may sound amusingly off-beat, but, honestly, it's just a bunch of slippery critters stuffed into a too-flaky, too-long roll. Please don't order it if you're here for a business lunch. Judging from how awkward you look in that tie, you're probably going to embarrass yourself badly enough without having to worry about picking shrimp out of your lap the whole time."