So I've decided that I'm in a band. I don't actually play any instruments or write any music or gather with other people to practice or perform or anything, but I really like being able to say, "I'm in a band."

The band is called The Scattergods. We love that name. It's got just the right ring of arty coolness. It could be anything from an obscure literary reference to a random bit of forgotten pop culture to something out of any number of Eastern religions. It encourages you to think of disorder and chaos and divinity and omnipotence, all mixed in together in all sorts of different ways.

The name actually comes from a mis-reading of the sign on the side of the Scattergood Steam Plant on Vista Del Mar in El Segundo, but that doesn't quite inspire the images of cynical, literate hipness that we're looking for, so don't go spreadin' it around.

Our first CD is going to be called "Self-Titled Debut Album" and will have lots of tech-savvy nonsense on the higher tracks, including the sound of a 300 baud modem sending a program that will require an old Atari 8-bit to run.

Our style is the kind of U2/Pearl Jam/Dramarama/Who-influenced guitar-driven rock-and-roll that we really like, with occasional odd-ball forays into down-right KLF-ian weirdness.

I'm our singer/songwriter/lead guitarist, because, quite frankly, I have the hair for it. Plus, I've been practicing saying, with one arm raised and my palm toward the audience, "Thank you! G'night!"

I figure that that's pretty much all I have to do, really, to claim I'm in a band, especially since this has nothing to do with artistic or musical accomplishment and everything to do with trying to get women to talk to me.

Now I just need to work on excuses why I can't actually play any songs for them.